The Addict

 Hi, I’m 20, and I’m going through an identity crisis.

I’m an addict.

I’m addicted to laziness, procrastination, and apathy.

I’m addicted to scrolling through my social media feed mindlessly, and I’m addicted to comparing my life to those of others. I don’t know when this addiction occurred, but I guess that’s how it works – gradually, unconsciously, and you don’t really realize you have a problem until you look up from your phone to find yourself in a dark wilderness.

I’ve lost who I was.

In the Snapchat selfies, Twitter posts and Facebook friends. I’ve lost countless hours from being engrossed in my screen, and fought nearly every homework assignment with new updates on my feed.

I am 20, and I’m going through an identity crisis.

When I’m not working or sitting in class, I want to enjoy the time I have to rest. I want to take my mind off of homework and coffee shop gossip, and I want to feel socially fulfilled through the online status of my “friends.”

The problem is, I love being mindless too much, and I have forgotten the feeling of reward after dedicating my focus on learning, especially when it comes to my major classes. There are three weeks left until final exams, and I feel like I have learned more about the fellow graduates of my high school than the psychology of personality and history of the Old Testament. I’ve heard it said that God doesn’t care about our grades, but I can’t help but wonder what he thinks of my flunking Bible classes due to carelessness, and it scares me.

We sang “How Deep the Father’s Love for us” during a devotional this weekend.

I’ve come to not like that song. At least, I don’t like to sing it. I don’t like to think about how deep God’s love for us is, how infinite it is. I don’t like to be reminded of the love that still wants me and clings to me, no matter how evil my spirit has become. I can never gossip, lie, lust, or give in to my vain desires too much for the God of the Universe to care enough to count every hair on my head and smile with every heart beat. I can never score low enough on a Bible test for God to fail me out of heaven.

Even when I don’t care about what is happening in my life, God still does.

Even when I get lost in the Facebook life of others, God still makes sure I’m not alone.

When I forget who I am and where my identity lies, Jesus shows me the scars on his wrists.

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